This Aint News

I joined this dating site, and so far my dates have been ridiculous. I don't know what it is about me that screams "hey if you're a loser, hit me up".

The Bleeding Heart

I met this guy for coffee. First of all he didn't look like his pictures on line. He was in work clothes in his pics, so I couldn't see the very colorful, very random tattoos all over his arms. Tattoos are okay, and sometimes they're sexy, but his were just awkward. It looked like he closed his eyes, pointed to a spot and said "There! Put something totally weird right here in the brightest color you have". Plus, he had acne. I don't know what 32 year old has acne, but he did. We chatted for a while, and the conversation was okay, there just wasn't any chemistry on my part. Apparently there was on his because he kept calling me his sexual soulmate... whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I ask him who he lives with and he says "I live with my son and my ex wife". Okay... awkward! 80% of our conversation is him telling me about how much he loves to please a woman and he'll do whatever she asks if it makes her happy. He makes great breakfast in bed and gives good foot massages. He will do all the housework... blah, blah, blah. Not only does this pimple face nerd live with his ex wife, he's too nice for me. I need an alpha male, and he is definitely a beta. All in all he wasn't too bad, but he lives with his ex wife, so he's still weird.

The Wannabe Pimp

Before I meet with anyone from the site I'm upfront with the fact that I'm not going to sleep with them. Some people come on there just for that and I don't want to waste my time or their time if that's what they're looking for. This date was at a bar so we could watch the game. He's shorter than me, which is a total bummer. He's also 28 and balding... His profile pic is of him in nice golf clothes and a very nice local course. I'm thinking he's got to have at least a half decent job to be able to afford a membership there. Oh, he WORKS there. PART TIME. But, please don't be alarmed. It's not his career choice, duh. He's not a loser. He's an aspiring beat maker. He's a 28 year old balding white midget who makes rap beats. (In his defense he gave me a CD and they're actually pretty good). We're watching the game and somehow we start talking about the fact I've never had a one night stand. This is how that convo goes:

Him: So, you've never had a one night stand. You should try it. Have you messed around with anyone on the first date?
Me: Actually, now that I think about it I haven't ever done that either.
Him: Does that mean we aren't going to mess around?
Me: Uh, no... we aren't.
Him: Well, that fucking sucks.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? I just ignored him after this date and his last response was "I guess I shit in your cereal. Later". Nice!

The Irishman

This time we actually met for dinner. This guy was in the army, so all his pics were him in his sexy uniform. I'm a sucker for a man in uniform. He's out now, but I figure he's probably still got one. As it turns out, if you are sexy and buff in the army when you get out, sit on your ass and drink beer you get fat. You get FAT. He's wearing this black button up and orders chicken fried steak. He, somehow, manages to spill white gravy ALL over his shirt. Then, he wipes his nose off on his napkin and gets a huge booger on the end of his nose. A better person might have said something, but I didn't. It was too awkward! So, I just didn't look at him until he finally got it off. After the gravy and the booger he burps. He does a big, giant, manly burp in the middle of dinner. Seriously. As if all that wasn't bad enough he is LOUD. I'm talking the entire restaurant can hear him. Our waitress dropped an entire tray of drinks and he stands up, starts clapping and screams "Way go to! HAHAHAHAHA" I can't remember being more embarrassed.

So, that's my dating horror story. Sorry there's no sex, but I haven't had any (sadly). Here's a pic of my boobs to make up for the no sex thing.