This Aint News

Shoutwire Redux

You know, Shoutwire has gotten sort of a bad name here at TAN;  most of us migrated here from there and sometimes bad-mouth it, but actually, Shoutwire had some pretty good stuff on it, especially when it came to exposing the silliness of religion.  Science did in fact prove its superiority there.  I came across the following in my files – an article I saved that was written on Shoutwire, which proves the point; here it is:

Proof That Evolution Is Kick-Ass

Sure, I watched the movie. The ‘Monkey Trial’ one. You know, where Spencer Tracy, playing the cool, intelligent old dude, made a complete ass out of Fredric March, the retrograde preacher, asshole, old dude. I was hep. I sat with the fuckin’ cool kids from then on. Darwin had the ‘Big Dick’ and suddenly god was suckin’ hind tit.

In those days, I got me a gooder education than most – an old aunt gave me a three-year subscription to The Reader’s Digest; so I was up on all the latest science shit. I went out and had me a fuckin’ library card, and used to flash it around in front of all the rednecks and peckerwoods. Got my ass kicked a few times, but hey, it was worth it. By the third year of my senior year, I was scoring some real pussy from the smart bitches at school. I still boned the dumb chicks too, mind you, but I kept that shit low-key.

Anyway, I didn’t have much to do with the religious kids, ‘cause they was such retards and all about god an shit… Septin, I’d still go to a church dance when they had one; ‘cause you could dance with them Jesus bitches in the long dresses and kinda rub your dick lightly up against their thigh – not with a massive boner, or nothin’ mind you – and they’d kinda get all tensed up and stiff like, but it got ‘em thinkin’ about you. Afterward, I’d go home and jack off, two maybe three times. Mostly three times after that day I snuck into the girl’s locker room and copped a pair of Amy Meiterhouse’s dirty panties. That helped a lot. Man, good fuckin’ times – good times…

After High School I decided not to go to college; ‘cause I still had a year on that “Reader’s Digest” thing so I said “fuck it.”

So instead, I started work down at the Treatment Plant, and there was a guy I worked with at the Plant named Bobby Joe Finngarrd. “Bobby Joe” sounded too fuckin’ girlie though, so we mostly called him Bubba J, which was pretty kick-ass. Point is, that my brain wasn’t rustin’ or nothin’ ‘cause ol’ Bubba J was up on all kinds of science and shit, just like me.  We’d talk educated shit while we worked and on breaks and shit, so I was pretty much up on science and shit. Evolution was pretty much kick-ass and Bubba J and me would throw it up in the faces of some of the dumb-asses we worked with at the Plant; ‘cause they were pretty easy to fuck with and all, what with being dumb-ass Christians.

I had me a girlfriend, too. Her name was Sally and she stayed with me most every night.  Septin’ once in a while if I didn’t keep an eye on her, she’d get to drinkin’ and fuck other guys for money and all, so she wouldn’t show up. That would kinda piss me off for a few days, but mostly I pretty much liked her. Besides, Sally had her a kick-ass pussy. Which is pretty much proof of evolution all by itself, ‘cause you don’t hear much about kick-ass pussy from old books and shit, or even on the fuckin’ History Channel so it must be a recent sort of thing – it’s like kick-ass pussy EVOLVED! Like, freaky – huh.  Shit, I call that shit, ‘Darwin’ pussy!  So, it isn’t just ‘science’ man, it’s shit you can see for yourself backing up the science shit. Shit, I’ll bet Sally’s grandma coulda had the fuckin’ “Missing Link” pussy. That would be fuckin’ awesome - havin’ a pussy that was the bridge from tired, old, lame-ass pussy to the new, kick-ass pussy like I was tappin’ off of Sally.

So, anyway, about three years ago, Bubba J and me, we got together and gots us a computer. We had heard it was like the computer age and shit, so we felt that with our education in science and all, we should oughta be on the World Wide Internets. And now we is.

So we was fuckin’ around on the internets a bunch. Doin’ a lot of porn and lookin’ at naked shit and all. A few times we’d accident onto some dudes doin’ some weird shit with each other’s boners but it was mostly girls.  But that was only about the half of it. We kept up on the science shit and the evolution shit and all, too. Darwin still rocked for us; Bubba J used to say, “Shit, NASCAR ain’t hardly got shit on ol’ Darwin’s ass.”

One night – and I remember the night good, ‘cause Bubba J and me was on a medical cite, ‘cause I had the crabs – and Bubba J had ‘em too, which kinda pissed me off and made me suspicious like at first, until he explained that like, he had catched ‘em off Sally & me’s toilet seat – so I had to apologize. You never want to lose a good friend by thinkin’ stupid shit…  Anyway, he’d scratch a bit, then I’d scratch a bit, and this went back and forth for quite a while, and all the shit on the sick-dick site had us pretty much limp-dicked real serious like, so we decided to ease up the load an just serf the internets for some light hearted shit. And that’s how we got on Shoutwire; which was a place on the internets where people picked out funny like names for theirselves and talked at each other usin’ their computers septin you couldn’t really talk, you had to type the shit. We wanted us some kick-ass names so Bubba J picked for hisself the name, “DoctorDeath,” ‘cause he said it made him sound intelligent like and dangerous at the same time.  I was havin’ a brain fart or somethin’ so I tells Bubba J to type me in a kool  name too, somethin’ kick-ass like his. But he likes to fuck with me once every so often, so he types in my name, “ButtFucker”; which is still kinda pissin’ me off even now…but, what can you do – a best friend is a pretty special kinda thing and I was still feelin’ kinda bad about him a catchin’ them crabs; some shit ya just gotta let slide.

So, here we was on this Shoutwire place, and there they was, a whole bunch of fuckers just like Bubba J & me, really educated in science and shit, and evolution and shit, too. And this here is another real proof of evolution, ‘cause how can so many smart guys like us with big IQs and shit be wrong?

Just think it over a minute. Just a hundred or so million years ago, all these guys’ ancestors was sittin’ around in fuckin’ caves and shit, bein’ real dumb-asses. Not knowin’ shit.  Then – fuckin’ BAM!!!! Fuckin’ evolution hits these dumb fucks like a giant intelligence TURD and right away they start knowin’ serious shit – like how to kill the fuckin’ dinosaurs and shit. 

Next fuckin’ thing you know some guy invents the zippo or some shit and they got fire. Then they decide they’re tired of luggin’ shit all over the fuckin’ landscape so some asshole invents the fuckin’ wheel. And, there’s no stoppin’ this evolution shit once it gets goin’ good.  These fuckers just keep evolvin’ and thinkin’ up shit, and evolvin’ some more, and thinkin’ up even better shit.

Along about here, a problem comes up. See, when the smart fuckers evolve, they’re always the retards what’s left behind in their dust. Them’s the ones what never invented shit, septin one thing and that was they invents the idea of a god – which was a pretty lame-ass shit of an invention what’s still fuckin’ things up today.

Bubba J and me like to get together with all our smart, evolved friends and show off how smart we was on this here science and evolution shit.  We just work it into conversation on the internets:  Some asshole on Shoutwire posts:  “Christianity is a way of life for many…”

So we slam the fucker with: “ur a dum fuk, god don’t xzist – asshole.” or, maybe, “Suck the dingleberries off Darwin’s ass hairs – faggot.”

Mostly we does the shit ourselves, though. Post an article like:  “Big Bang proves Jesus freaks suck dick,”  or, “Today, science proved that your uncle Harry evolved from monkey cum,”  or my favorite, “A worm shit an egg onto a rock – and a million years later, here you are, bitch.”

Sometimes, I gets a real hard boner sittin’ at the computer, ‘cause everyone on Shoutwire can sees how big my fuckin’ brain’s got. Everybody lookin’ up to me an shit.

A lot of times assholes would bring up bible shit. Me an Bubba J would really slam ‘em on that shit; I’d never read the fuckin’ bible, but bein’ intelligent as I is, I figure, fuck it – I can fake it pretty good. Some bible-goober ain’t  gonna know no better.

It’s simple as shit. Some bible-fag quotes something from Peter Paul and Mary or some other dumb-ass book in the bible – it don’t matter none, the answer’s the same: “fuk you, science pwned your dumb-ass when Newton discovered the fuckin’ apple – blow me.”

And that, is the final proof that evolution is kick-ass – my big fuckin’ brain and how usin’ it I own all you bitches…