This Aint News

It was late on a dark moonless night. I was driving home from a Canasta tournament at the senior home. My brain was awash in Diet Dr Pepper, fudge brownies, Mentos and Gladys's famous fruitcake. I was playing over in my mind the discard my partner gave up to knock us out in the semi finals. Alone behind the wheel, I shouted aloud: "Herman, YOU ASSHOLE!  - you know they're hoarding 7's"  I felt a bit better after the outburst. As I travelled farther down North Ave, I saw to the right a sweet young thing who appeared to be trying to flag a ride in the opposite direction

Tires squealing, I pulled a  perfect stunt man U turn to motor up aside her. I rolled down the window to ask if I might be of assistance. "Maybe" she said. "Gimme a ride and I'll suck your dick for a dollar"

Hmmm, I thought. I remember reading about shit like this. She might just want me to drive her around town then run off with my dollar. My sweet thing probably got Crab-Aids. Probably has a giant black fag pimp to punch me in the face and take my dollar. Has cracky heroin henchmen who use my dollar to spike up. I was perplexed.

On the other hand, her overdone red lipstick looked like frosting on a cum cake. I hadn't been laid since the Lindbergh kidnapping. I was overdue.  I imagined my pale pink pony striped like a barber pole as she moved those lucious lips up and down my man meat.

NO NO NO , this is all wrong. It's a trap. She seen my face and probably got my car plate number. She'll get her pimp guy to find my address and come get my dollar. My neighbors will not like such a thing. Prostitutes and killer pimps aren't part of the usual scenery.

Maybe I should just give her a dollar and be on my way. Yeah, that's it. She'll have what she wants and won't be mad at me for no reason. It will all be good. Perhaps I should even opt for the nob job. After all, it was her idea. As I weighed the options, I opened the glove box to retrieve my wallet.

The dim interior light glossed over the leather of my billfold. It settled upon the cold steel of my loaded .38 police special. 

I shooted her instead.