promoted 9 years 1 month ago, posted 9 years 1 month ago
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I am way cooler than Zero. So I got stoned and wrote this to prove it.
The date and time had been set. This was to be a showdown on a scale the world had never seen. The day Xxoozero went up against Moocowrat would be compared to Rocky vs. Apollo Creed, Godzilla vs. Mothra, Joe vs. the Volcano. In one corner Moocowrat: a relative unknown of average height with a short reach but balls of solid balsa wood. In the other corner Xxoozero: basically...Skeletor.
As Moocowrat walked into the park where the match was to take place he spotted Zero sitting on a bench fingering a snazzy new iPod touch frantically, almost angrily. As Moocowrat approached he saw that Zero was indeed twiddling some young pixellated co-ed's nipples on the touch screen as he sat there dressed as a ninja. Moocowrat was dressed as a pirate as indicated in the rules of the match set by Zero himself.
Upon spotting Moocowrat approaching, Zero whipped out a doobie and sparked it up. Moocowrat took out a stool to rest his ginormous nuts on. Just then Zero's fans showed up on their skateboards carrying slurpees and high fiving each other. Moo's crowd came in all hog-tied to an elephant that Moo had paid to abduct them. This was going to get nasty....
The referee, let's say...uh...God, started the match with a speech that went something like: “We are gathered here today for a Write-Off and to settle the age-old debate of Pirate vs. Ninja once and for all so that no one can ever use it again as a joke because it's no longer funny and I'll smite their ass if they do. Let there be Fight!”
Zero dealt the first blow. By sheer will he summoned up a large-breasted and very naked Swedish model wearing only nipple tassels made of bacon instead of string. As she swished them around in Zero's face saying something along the lines of “Orgen shnarfen dooble schnauser,” he'd nibble on them while raising his eyebrows in a tauting manner at Moocow. A solid first blow, Moocow thought.
Moo closed his eyes and after a brief second of intense concentration the song “Eye of the Tiger” started pumping out of speakers that had materialized around Moocow. He pumped his fist to the beat wearing a mean and incredibly manly look on his face that made Rambo look like Hillary Duff on her period. A 400 pound Chinese hooker in a dental-floss bikini appeared and Moocow grabbed as much of her ass as he could with one hand as he dug his face in her cleavage started motorboating the bitch like his hair was on fire. “Bubblubblubblubblubb,” he went on, still wearing the angry expression on his face and pumping his fist in the air.
Moo's crowd roared and some made out with the few women in Zero's crowd. Half of Zero's crowd puked and the other half snorted pixie sticks. Someone from Zero's posse shouted out “You didn't make that up! Motorboating is from Wedding Crashers, I saw the movie and liked it so I'm really cool!”. Moo replied, “Yeah, but did you see I was pumping my fist? Way different..” and God, being the referee, sided with Moo and smote the fan's ass.
Zero seemed visibly shaken, but hardly off of his feet. Summoning all his strength and looking like Hiro before he time-travels Zero tried to come up with a decent response. But the harder he focused the more he stressed his bowels and eventually ended up pooping himself. But realizing that his crowd likes poop and all poop-related activities he improvised by re-enacting 'two girls, one cup' with the Chinese hooker that Moo had materialized.
No lie, most of the people present puked. It was spoken of in the Hillary Clinton edition of the bible that even God ended up coughing up his morning 'tots. A few of the youngins from Zero's crowd chuckled at his move, others picked up his iPod and started watching Beavis and Butthead re-runs while rolling more doobies in hope that it would make their superstar's moves a bit funnier.
Moo was calm. His buttocks clenched tight. A tumbleweed rolled around nearby. Some mariachis in Master Chief helmets popped up and played a Mexican version of the Halo theme as Moo did a quadruple somersault in Zero's direction. Flip, flip flip, he went as he landed right in front of Zero. Everything was silent.
Zero said, “The fuck was that?” at which point Moo's gargantuan testicles finally descended on his head and fractured his skull. The crowd went wild. One of Zero's fans cried out “But that wasn't that funny!”. Moo replied, “Then how about this?” and he whipped out a laptop with topless women playing with a Wii on the screen. The fan replied, “Sweet, but you didn't create this!”
Moo said, “Sure, but it's still better than reading one of Zero's lame editorials isn't it?”
All agreed as the Moo materialized Tequila and vaporizer tokes for those in Zero's crowd. God finished making out with a random goth chick and declared the winner...