i wrote this some 2 years ago when i still worked in bars.
ok, i work in a pub, w00t for me.....
daily i deal with morons who cant even order a drink properly, and daily do i get frustrated and either short change them or straight up spit in their drink.
here are some simple rules to follow
#1 be polite, we have to deal with well over 300 interactions a day, make yours the nice one and we are likely to bump you up to next in line when there is a queue next time.
#2 dont rattle off a long list of drinks. we can remember about 3 or 4 before they get hazy, if you want a load of drinks, stop at the 4th and we will get them. DONT ORDER THEM ONE AT A TIME ITS FUCKING GAY STOP IT
#3 notice the amount of people waiting. we gotta deal with these chump assholes and every second you spend searching for the exact change is another smartass remark we have to endure from the punters waiting ("im gonna die of thirst here")
#4 specify what you want, we have many lagers on tap. take the time to just look and pick, dont make us do the work for you. also if you dont specify, the rules say we can give you the most expensive one, which isnt necesarily the best.
#5 when ordering food, we need a table number. pointing to a table is not in fact a number, it is a direction. it says on the menu, it says twice at the bar and it says it on the front door. fucking pay attention. it might seem easy enough to remember that you are 'just over there' but we take over £1000 a day on food. at around £4 a meal, thats a lot of food to remember which one goes where. thats why we invented the table number system.
#6 dont argue with the bartenders. we have the right to refuse you service and you dont want to look like a cunt when a cocky 18 year old has just mugged you off in front of all the regulars and your friends.
#7 if you have a problem, ask to see the manager. pestering us goons to give you a free drink just wont happen. seriously.
#8 if you are a regular, threatening the staff with something along the lines of "i drink here all the time" will backfire. believe it or not, we are on minimum wage, they cant pay us any less. if you and your ugly friends all fuck off elsewhere the only thing that happens to us is that we dont have to put up with you. its actually a bonus. say it to the managers, they get a cut of the profits.
#9 this is a pub not the ritz. the reason your food tastes low quality is because you just got a steak, chips and a drink for a fiver. you get what you pay for.
#10 specifically dont piss me off. im a vengeful little fucker and i will fuck you over time and time again. we are talking pocketing half your change, spitting in your drink, shitpalming the rim of the glass and serving you last. i fucking hate pub work.
there, now your pub experience has been enriched. you know what we put up with and you have a better understanding of how the whole process works. enjoy your spit free and correctly priced pint whilst being entertained by the cunt that just got mugged off for being rude.