promoted 8 years 7 months ago, posted 8 years 7 months ago
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A satirical blog written by a gentlemen named Brian Ford. Pretty funny stuff. You all fit in here somewhere.
Millions of consumers spend thousands of dollars on a new car, obsessing over the color, the interior features, etc., only to subsequently affix an (often) irremovable $2 sticker to the bumper. This practice spans age, gender and ideology, and in each case, a person is saying: "This topic isn't so important to me that I'm unwilling to sum up my views and air them to strangers in one sentence or less."
Abortion, religious views, sexual preference, patriotism: All (too) easily summed up as mobile credos. Given the exhibitionism on display, the following is intended to be a rough translation from catch-phrase to reality of several popular stickers, an analysis of what exactly your bumper says about the person people believe you to be.
This may sting, just a little:
*Vote Yes on Prop 8
"I hate fags. Pretending that the sanctity of marriage is important to me is just a slightly more socially acceptable way of saying that. I've actually been married and divorced three times."
*Support Our Troops (Magnet)
"I supported (and still support) George W. Bush's war on terror in Iraq, but was only willing to commit to that while there was overwhelming public support for such an endeavor, and thus bought a magnet, rather than a sticker. The magnet came down shortly after the American flag on my front porch. Patriotism has a sell-by date."
*Barack Obama Campaign Sticker
"I am under the age of 30 and have never voted before."
*John McCain Campaign Sticker
"Sarah Palin 2012!"
*Pro-Life / Choose Life
"I have never been in a situation in which I, or someone I am close to, has ever had to make a difficult, life-changing choice. Further, the fact that I am willing to sum up my stance on abortion -- perhaps the most polarizing of all social issues -- on my bumper, is as good an indication as any that I don't take the topic, or your contrary views, very seriously. Lastly, I don't really mean to imply that I believe in "choice" by virtue of having the word "choose" on my bumper. I am "telling" you to what to choose, not suggesting it as a possibility to consider. That would imply that I am considering the issue, rather than taking a hardline stance on it."
"I want nothing more than to piss off conservatives, and this allows me to do so without having to actually, you know, confront anyone face to face. Also, I voted for Barack Obama."
*Don't Vote for the C*NT! (An actual sticker, believe it or not.)
"I once date-raped someone, and don't feel bad about it."
"If I am not actually driving a Mini or a VW, I wish I were, and I secretly think I'm better than you."
"If you see a windows logo on my bumper, you are almost certainly hallucinating and, as such, probably shouldn't be driving a car."
*My child is an honor student at...
"My child is a @!$%#ing nerd and probably won't get laid before he or she graduates college."
*My child beat up your honor student.
"My child is an @!$%# and a bully, and I couldn't be more proud that he or she wouldn't read a book to save his or her life, and my only hope is that he or she excels in the sport of his or her choice."
*My other car is a...
"I am a liar."
*I'd Rather Be Fishing
"I beat my wife."
"I wish I had been born in the 60s. I also happen to be Wiccan, and am a lesbian."
"I do not live in Kansas or wish I didn't if I do."
*Jesus Fish Eating Darwin Fish
"I am insecure when it comes to my faith and feel the need to defend it against science."
*No mas illegals
"I'm sort of scared of people who are different than me."
1) "I am college-aged or younger." 2) "I will probably drop out of college." 3) "My social-activism regarding hemp has nothing at all to do with the environment and everything to do with wanting easier access to some primo weed." 5) "Harold and Kumar is quite possibly the greatest movie of all time." 4) "I'd rather be Phishing."
*Calvin Peeing on Ford/Chevy/Etc.
The list could probably go on. Every single one of the above snap judgements is a generalization, and in many cases the generalization may not actually be an accurate description of a given individual. That's the way generalizations work. By having a bumper sticker on your car, you encourage generalizations, because everything the person behind you knows about "who you are" is contained within that one-sentence phrase, or via a logo.