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The Adventures of TAN
Diary entry, Date- 20/04/09.
Position approx 100 miles south West of Sri Lanka. Time 1300 hours.
Seas calm. Air warm.
Didn't sleep a wink all night. Most of crew were bed ridden for two days with food poisoning from Jeff's pancakes. The rat thought it would be funny to ejaculate into the pancake mixture. He made the excuse it was to thicken up the batter. Has been put on sentry duty in the crow's nest for three whole days.
The wooden frame of the boat heated in the afternoon rays of the sun. Along the horizon the South Asian seas sizzled and grew hazy. Humidity was sticky and uncomfortable. Oven like beneath deck. Scorching rays above. No escape from the forbidding heat. And the Tan was sailing straight into the path of the menacing beast. On the bow of the boat was an elevated platform where a long shed-like structure stood. It housed the many tools, weaponry and various other pieces of booty taken in great raids. A small but definable shadow was cast by that hut of five metres in height. In this little darkened cool spot of the deck the crew were deep in vegetation, sitting around on chairs unable to move, save they get heatstroke or God forbid exhaustion from overwork. A grand mast stood a few metres from the hut. On it a bit of rope was tied around. This rope was connected onto the hut opposite and a sturdy looking hammack was created. As the first one on deck that morning jd had claimed it rightfully. And rightfully he would remain the occupier of it. The man was comfortable now and no uncontrollable bladder retension would deter jd from moving. So he did what he had to do. Pissed himself many times in those daylight hours. For this was a pirate ship and no courteous gestures were ever made here. You got off that hammock and it was no longer your hammock. Jd was wise to tomfoolery and bastardry. And he played the game well. Even if it meant soggy balls.
The deck was almost silent but for the mutterings of pablo and shanus as they stood bodies propped up by the starboard side, deep in conversation in all matters of pirate politics as their eyes strained against the glistening sea. By the port side Nova was honkered down prodding a lifeless seagull with his forefinger, eyes glazed over as he thought of wretched ways to use the stiffened bird in any number of his morbid games. Lazy days were always had onboard the Tan, but today was exceptionally slothful. Not a bit of energy was wasted on daily activities usually associated with socially accepted rabble. The only tell-tale signs that any one of us were ever associated with society were by virtue of our vices. Beer was swilled daily and the ships piratettes were only too willing to put out for the greater good of sexual deviancy.
As the sun moved slowly to the west it seemed it's seering rays would never give up its ferocity. But by mid-evening the shadow from the hut grew longer, clouds started to form and the coolness of the night began to cover the deck. One by one sweaters and overcoats were put on to brave off the coming weather. By seven o'clock the crew began to get restless. Even jd was wriggling about in his hammock contemplating finally getting off his ass. Big was the first to stand up, groaning as he did so. Looking up at the sky he lapped his lips and sniffed the moist air.
"Mmmm think rains a coming. Better get below deck". The drunken Big walked along the deck and opened the door to below. "Ships ahooooy. Ships ahooooy. Ships ahooooy". Big flashed round and looked up at the bird's nest where the call was coming from. Jeff was there pointing out at the bow direction. "Ships ahooooy". The entire crew hurried to their feet, climbing the hut to get a better vantage point and peered out. Gasps drew from around the crew. What was before them was a great black galleon of massive scale. Psidust looked over it's dimensions. "1500 tonnes" he said confidently. "2000 tonnes", came the educated retort of lithuanianlabourer. Cone stood in open mouth awe at the sight before him. "We're gonna need a bigger boat"
"Nonsense" said beelzebub, "You's bunch of whiny bitches we can take 'em. We can take 'em all. We'll never surrender. We'll fight them like men. We'll fight them on the masts. On the decks. On the...".
"Shut the fuck up beelze" said scumbag. Big had calmly walked the full length of the boat back to the hut and stood on it's top with the rest of the crew.
"Right boys and girls. It's on. This is the plan. Since we have no rudder we can't go anywhere. We're sitting ducks. But these ducks have been quacking for a good fight in a while and we're all itching for some blood. We sit and wait. Then we pounce. Ya'll with me"
Arms and fists were thrown in the air as the whole crowd roared in unison, sweat and spit flying everwhere. Big jumped down from the hut and opened the heavy door to it. Grabbing various weapons he started handing them out to the waiting hands of the crew. Swords, cutlasses, daggers, clubs, maces, war hammers, lances, pikes, throwing axes, flails. All purges from great battles in far off waters to the far east, west, north and west. And every single instrument of death would feel the skin of their enemy by the evenings end.
The great black ship ebbed ever closer, the sound of the waves crashing against its bow gradually getting louder and louder until it was near deafening. Palms grew sweaty on the Tan, hearts pumped wildly, the adrenalin rushed through every body. Saliva dribbled through gnashing teeth and grins grew evermore menacing as the beast came onwards. 'Boom' the bow sounded, boom, boom, boom as the waves pummelled the massive leviathan. Its speed got faster. It was so close but still you could not see anybody on board. Close now that its massive sails darkened out the sun and the Tan was bathed in it's shadow.
"Reeeaaddddyy" screaming Big, "Here it comes". The Tan eased off to the port side. The starboard in peril danger of being rammed. Boom the waves crashed one last time. The bow of the beast reered higher and higher in the sky until the keel could be seen. Then in what seemed like an age the black ship seemed to hover motionless in mid air as it towered above the Tan. The bow of the ship raised up till it could raise up no more.
"Here it comes", shouted Big again. The bow of the black ship slowly came down then faster and faster and faster, closer and closer and closer until;
The Tan shook violently has the black beast crashed into the starboard side sending all mates falling onto the deck. Quickly they regained their footing as a huge shout out from the black ship bellowed out. Then the ferocious ship mates of the beast showed their ugly faces and a sea of pirates jumped onboard, as the Tan's mates whooped and roared in excitement.
Jschick yelled "Come and get it bitches". The minion charged with a war cry unheard of by the mates of Tan. Both sides charged into each other in an almighty crash of steel and bodies. Antipsi swung the heavy flailing mace into the faces of any pirate that dared come into her area. Crunch after crunch went the brittle skulls against the heavy spiked ball of steel, yelling as she did so. One after another Pablo skewered the bellies of the opposition, their guts falling out on the deck, lapping up the blood of the dead as it sprayed up onto his face.
The fight had spread right across the deck of Tan, the screams of the fatally wounded, the sounds of gurgled blood, the clinking of swords and the roars of victory as another life was taken so viciously. On the other side of the deck fido and seahawks were slipping and sliding in the guts of their spoils. As charge after charge rang out from the black beast fido was ceaslessly throwing axes into the faces of the oncoming ranks.
"Take this FUCKERS. Wanna see what an old man and his axe can do", fido yelled as he enticed the horde. Bits of head, limbs and brain lay strewn before him. Seahawks was a few feet adjacent from him waving a giant sword in his way, laughing in insanity as he sliced effortlessly through the limbs of the waiting dead.
"More, more, more"
The fight had been raging for a full fifteen minutes when a loud war horn went up. Within seconds the gypsies had turned and started retreating, dropping their weapons as they went.
"Charge" Big shouted out. "No prisoners"
The crew of the Tan charged and chased the offenders off the Tan, slicing the back of the heads off. Dandark and wolffe finished the rest of the stragglers off with pikes and lances into their stomachs and groins. The black beast sailed off in disgust as the tired crew of the Tan slumped down onto the blood spilled decks and rested themselves, looking about them in smug appreciation at their joyful work.
"This calls for beers", Big said panting. The rest of the evening the crew got drunk and merry and wallowed in their spoils. Jd stood up in front of everybody.
"Ladies and gentlemen if you will. I would like to make a toast. For today is most definitely a WIN."