promoted 8 years 6 months ago, posted 8 years 6 months ago
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Something I wrote like 50 years ago. I think someone stole it from me once I'm not sure. Basically it's what the world would be like if us users ran it. Picture is used to indicate a man who likes to suck cocks. Dunno why. But just roll with it.
Scenario: I am the President of Canada, Zero is the President of the United States, DocWats turns Mexico, and South America into one country and tags it Wirecana.
Bulshoy gets Cuba.
I'd start by legalizing the usage and possession of marijuana, and encourage my allies to do the same. Medicine created out of manufactured cocaine would also be legalized. I would flop the Canadian budget, kill social security, and pump 250 billion annually into the Canadian military, quickly becoming a powerful nation. I would keep the assumption of the worlds peace keepers, but I would also be able to defend myself.
Zero would legalize marijuana, acid, pcp, peyote, and prostitution. There will also be a military accident where, upon my refusal to send zero some coveted western Canadian marijuana, Quebec would be "accidentally" bombed. I would accept Zeros apology, and upon him asking for marijuana again, would hand it over willfully.
Bulshoy would take the island of cuba, tightens its communist laws, and takes it back to an age of imperialism, making himself physically, a king, with a throne. He would Rename Cuba to Fuckland. All hot women would be forced into sexual labor, to satisfy the male populace. All narcotic laws would be abolished.
Docwats, after unifying all of mexico and south america as a new country, aptly named Wirecana, would begin by legalizing the downloading and possession of illegal copies of movies, software, and video games. Limitational laws set in place to monitor the alcoholic content in alcoholic beverages would be abolished, giving birth to the "Heineken 50", similar to the Heineken you know today, but with a staggering 50% alcohol content. Many beverages do not even list their alcoholic content. Docwats imposes a 75% taxation on all alcoholic sales, and uses the money to build the first ever Giant Death Ray. The Ray is dubbed "Preparation". In building the ray, a prototype known as Preparation G misfires at the moon, and blows it into two pieces. The northern hemisphere of the moon is shot into Venus, people all around the world enjoy a very astonishing light show in space, that lasts for a number of days. The southern hemisphere of the moon, although moved, remains in orbit around earth. The end result is a slow ocean, amongst other serious effects. The tide rotation and variance is now only half of what it used to be, and some islands simply cease to exist.
Bulshoy, upon learning of Preparation G, becomes very alarmed. Living on the island of Cuba, he fears he and his loyal citizens and sex slaves may very well be in danger. This is quickly dis proven, as the tides are simply less active, The island of Cuba is not covered in water.
After the global incident with the Deathray Preparation G, Docwats continues on, creating Preparation H. All the bugs are fixed, and targeting scanners now work properly. Doc, holding some sort of personal hate for a region, decides to do something about it. He Launches Prep. H, and Uses the Atmosphere to reflect a full capacity Laser beam onto the middle eastern Muslim world.
Docs actions naturally anger me, the Canadian. With my newly funded army no longer wearing only white uniforms. I goto Zero for assistance in dealing with Doc, who has now clearly, become power hungry. Zero agrees that, perhaps taking over and unifying all of south America and Mexico as one, in combination with having a massive Death ray and unregulated alcohol has maybe, just maybe gotten to Docs head. Zero however tells me that he will not directly launch a campaign against Doc with me, stating "Hey, You didn't want to help us with Iraq, so now your on your own. Bitch".
As the situation continues to escalate, Bulshoy, feeling somewhat sidelined, feels the need to establish himself on the world stage, he wants more for his kingdom, more for his throne, more sex slaves, more workers, more, more, more. Bulshoy launches a campaign into Europe, a campaign lead by Bulshoys lead General, Judge Armas Three-Way-Disciple, known aptly, as "Judge". Using his strategic prowess, Judge conquers France, in the name of Fuckland, in a mere 27 minutes. He leads his masses of armies with an iron fist, and gives orders that when conquering, to offer people an option. Swear allegiance to Fuckland, and King Bulshoy, or get your head blown off. Many do, and quickly, especially in France. Any able bodied man, aged 15 or order, is inserted into Judge's conquering armies, quickly trained to shoot, hit, rape, pillage, plunder, and fish.
taking note of Bulshoys conquering campaign, Docwats calls him a "copycat". I use this comment to discover myself a new ally in receding docwats from his country, and dismantling the dangerous death ray from the hands of someone who cannot hold its responsibility. I approach bulshoy, tell him of my intentions, that is to remove Doc, and he light heartedly agrees that yes, the Death Ray is a big issue, something that needs to be dealt with. However he states, his resources are currently pooled into expanding his empire. We shake hands, and agree that when it comes to dealing with docwats and the deathray, we are allies.
Zero narrowly escapes the sniper bullet of an assassin. The Vatican Church promptly claims responsibility for the failed assassination attempt. Zero retaliates by abolishing all religion from his country. Despite what Zero and I have been through, what with him bombing one of my major cities by accident, I follow suit right behind, as canada often does, and I also abolish all religion from my country.
News arrives from Wirecana, unconfirmed reports are coming in that Docwats has learned of my attempts to convince Bulshoy to join me on a military campaign to uproot The country of Wirecana, and dismantle the deathray. There are then unconfirmed reports that Doc is training the deathray on Vancouver, British Columbia. The heart of Western Canada, the Pot capital of north america.
I used this unconfirmed targeting to approach Zero for support. We need help, I tell him. He shows little interest, until I show him that Vancouver is vital in supplying the daily truckloads of BC Bud of which I have been shipping into the United States. His eyes are suddenly wide, and he agrees to go into talks.
=Fast forward 2 years=
Bulshoys conquering campaign, being run by Judge was by and large, a great success. He has quickly swept over the land, stifling any opposition with an iron fist. Must of Europe is now under the rule of Bulshoy, and is now known as Fuckland. Bulshoy orders the campaign to, at least for now, be halted at The Russian Borders. He posts Security squads in Estonia, Latvia, Belarus and the Ukraine. Bulshoy then has the pope executed for "warcrimes against humanity". He is not quick to jump on the bandwagon to outright abolish religion of any kind, although with his throne and totalitarian concepts, he could, he chooses not to. He converts the Vatican into his new Castle, and now has a much, much nicer throne room.
8 months ago, the unconfirmed reports that Docs Deathray was being aimed directly at Vancouver were finally confirmed. We now know, for certian that he his aiming, and waiting. Zero and I have worked out a plan of invasion. The American Armies will cross into Northern Wirecana, Old Mexico. In Antartica, Secretive Canadian Barracks have been constructed. They now house roughly 60% of all canadian forces, whom are preparing for an invasion of Wirecana. We will attack from the south, while the united states attacks from the north. Zero and I are hoping that, this will be too much for Doc to handle simotaneously, and that we will be able to dismantle him and his death ray with haste. However, we have one problem, his deathray can be fired at any given moment, and we do not know the exact location of the deathray. Satillite can only do soo much for us, we have a few places where we think it might be at, but we aren't sure. Zero has attempted to get the CIA to infiltrate the Wirecana governmental agencies, in an attempt to find the death rays location so we can take care of it promptly, but all attempts have alas, failed.
Bulshoy, being a close ally but up until now, largely uninvolved in the Wirecana situation, comes to us with a suggestion. A suggestion soo simple, that we feel retarded for not concocting it. If you can't find it, stop it. We quickly catch on, and learn that of the possible locations of the death ray, all of them rely on a single power plant facility.
=3 months pass=
We have convinced Bulshoy, whom has halted his military conquering campaign, to assist us in dismantling doc and the death ray. He will approach from the east, by air, and by sea. Reports show he assisted with 40% of his total resources.
D-Day is here, And Zero cannot be contacted directly. I have called him again and again, I am prepared to order my troops to attack the southern tip of Wirecana, but I cannot get ahold of Zero. Finally, a groggy Zero answers the whitehouse phone. Something to do with being up until 5 am, doing someone or something with someone, I can't quite remember. We contact bulshoy, and let him know we won't begin for a few hours.
Bulshoy has an unauthorised pre-emptive strike by sea and air on the nation of Wirecana. Judge, Bulshoys lead general, leads the campaign. They sweep in, and quickly establish a base of operations in Eastern Brazil.
Canadian troops move in from the south, and American troops from the north, in sync with eachother. Two hours late, but still in sync. Zero Nukes The power facility which supplies power to all the questionable death ray sites.
Doc is greatly outnumbered in resources, and attempts to activate his Death ray, honed onto Vancouver, as a last big "Fuck you all". However, Doc is surprised to find that, the death rays power supply, a nearby powerplant, was destroyed by means of a nuclear missile. There is no other power source for the deathray to use that is big enough to power the death ray.
Doc surrenders, sort of. He surrenders directly to Bulshoys troops, whom take him to Commander Judge, whom detains, beats, and rapes him.
Doc is tried for war crimes, and with "possestion of a weapon of super-massive destruction" and "intent on harming the innocent". He is found guilty on all charges, and is executed by means of helicopter propeller. Skull fragemtns are found up to 85 yards away from the execution site.
We thought this would restore peace. We have the death ray, well, Zero has it. We all agreed that because of his immense resources, he should be the one to dismantle it, learn from its technology, and destroy it.
But no, taking out a power-monger and getting his toy death ray wasn't enough for Zero. He Himself, upon possessing the deathray in his labs, felt the urge of its immense power. Scientists working in the lab with the deathray, on the first day, are about to dismantle it, when they receive a lettered order. Its an order, directly from President Zero, ordering the immediate cease and desist of the "Preperation-H-DeathRay Dismantalization and Destruction Project".
I contact Zero, and ask him how the progress is on dismantling the death ray, his answers are vague, and quick. "Good", he says. I ask him, what have the scientists learned from this technology? "Not much", he replies. The phone call was quick, and vaguely spoken, too quick.
The Canadian - United States border is lined with troops on both sides within a matter of hours. I grow more and more suspicious of zero, and means of contact with him have recently broken off. He changed the President Line number, and assigned the old Line number to a brothel in Southern Chicago. That is the last time I use a speakear phone when my wife is in the room.
I approach Bulshoy about these recent tensions, telling him of my fears about Zero. Bulshoy agrees that perhaps the deathray is getting to Zeros head, but argues, his resources are soo great, he would be a match for both of us combined.
The former Nation of Wirecana is largely dismanted, and weakened by war. Zero, meeting no opposition in the south, quickly claims Wirecana, and adds it to the united States. Mexico, and each country in south america are treated now as a seperate state, brazil is seperated into two states.
Bulshoys Counter Intelligence manage to infiltrate Zeros CIA, they find out where the death ray is being kept. Judge, using his superior strategy and expirience, manages to infiltrate the Deathray facility, and smuggle it out of the country, by means of plane.
At first, when I got the call from Bulshoy that the deathray was now in his possesion, I was relived... Until..
Zero contacted me after many months of silence with me. He accused me of stealing the Death Ray, I explain to him that he was supposed to dismantle it, then I tell him no, I had nothing to do with it. Zero does not buy it.
Word of an invasion has now arrived. Zero is sweeping up the western coast, my most values region.
Within a matter of Weeks, Zero has ceased control of BC, Saskatchewan and Alberta. Tensions are very, very high. I contact Bulshoy and request assistance, but I am not greeted with an answer, or even a hello.
At this time, the most inconvenient of all, Quebec declares its independence as a country.
I am blowing all my resources in maintaining my borders... Fearing threats of a nuclear attack from Zero, I manage to contact him, and I have little choice but to negotiate a surrender. Zero decides because of our past together, to spare my life. I take my personal wealth, and move to The state of North Brazil. Canada is no more, all provinces are now under United States control. It makes me sad, but I had no options, my only ally at the time, Bulshoy, would not respond when I needed him most. I fear he has also fallen to the influence of the deathray.
Quebec stands against Zero. However, It is quickly settled by means of a few well places nuclear bombs. Quebec is declared a hazardous radioactive zone, and off limits to all persons. It literally got wiped.
Zero contacts me, and demands to know where the deathray is. I finally spill the beans, Bulshoy has it. Zero hangs up. You ignorant fuck, you could at least exchange pleasantries with me. And to think I trucked over all that pot for nothing. Son of a bitch.
Zero begins to organize a campaign to destroy Bulshoy, remove the Empire of Fuckland, and retrieve the deathray.
Bulshoy and Judge quickly learn of Zeros plans. The deathray is attached to a power source, and prepared to fire. The target is Denver, in the central United States. However, Bulshoy's scientists in charge of handling the massive deathray, may have made a mistake. Next to the massive power plug-in port, there is a number constituting how much power the death ray needs. Overload it, and you do more then you intended. Don't put enough in, and it won't work. The Number Reads "5,¤¤¤,000". It appears that at some point along the way, three of the numbers were scratched out. Perhaps this here, is Docwats last big "fuck you" to all of us. In fact, it would make sense. Bulshoy decides to take the risk. He orders the power source be attached and to have the scratched variables maximized as 9. he figures, the worst he could do is blow up a land on the other side of the world.
Zero, un knowing and un prepared, wakes up to a bright blue sky in the middle of the night. It can be seen nearly everywhere around the planet, as the ray is designed to used the atmosphere to not only Reflect, but travel, and increase the speed and strength of the ray beam.
As the beam contacts with Denver, there is a massive explosion. All centeral states are instantly destroyed by an explosion that reaches from the atlantic to the pacific coast. The height of the explosion destroys the Ozone layer and nearby atmospheric contents, and shoots up roughly 2500 miles into space.
I'll never forget that famous satillite picture of the cow floating in space... I was lucky to have survived, the State of Brazil was amazingly, not affected. But, thanks to Bulshoys reckless actions, all of earth now enjoys a wonderfull year round winter, that never seems to end. You think being canadian, I wouldn't mind the cold... But I hate it. When will we see the sun again.... I've been hearing rumors that Central america is now an ocean... Easy to belive when you think about how powerfull the blast was that day that shook the entire world, but hard to belive when you look outside at the relentless winter. I can't imagine a flowing Ocean right now... Not now, not in this world.
Bulshoy died 6 months later. He died of a massive heart attack while making love to a Ukraine sex slave. Doctors believe the heart attack occured at the precise moment that Bulshoy reached his sexual climax and had his orgasm. The Ukraine sex slave is now pregnant, with Bulshoys baby boy.