promoted 7 years 7 months ago, posted 7 years 7 months ago
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THIS IS A TRUE STORY. I was going to write about this in the comments of pablos article but it got so long I thought I might as well post it as a blog. Enjoy.
A few years after 9/11 had happened and the great Internets had changed me, for a time, into an anti-american-israeli conspiracy nut. I had dipped my brain into all sorts of nonsensical Internet jibberish. I thought all Jews could not be trusted and craved money, power and plastic surgery on their noses so they could easily infiltrate infidel groups.
One quiet day I hear a wrap on the door. It is answered by my mother. Two foreign looking people enter my house, the smell of scum pungent in the air. One a very good looking girl in her late 20's, the other a real skinny faggy looking mediterranean type with flip flops, quaffed hair and sunglasses perched on the neck line of his t-shirt.
They chatted for a few minutes, trying to con their way into selling us as many paintings as they could. My mum wanted to see what kind of stuff they had, so fingers snapped and skinny boy went hopping to the parked car and retrieved a few select pieces. They were amazing I must admit, all beautiful landscapes in watercolour. But my mum wanted more information. Who done the paintings?, where did they come from? Well we were told they were shipped in from China. And so what of the two selling the pieces. Where were they from and what were they doing selling paintings.
"Well we are from Israel. And we're art students. What we're doing is actually going around the UK and Europe selling these fine pieces of art. The proceeds will be split between ourselves and the art school".
DING DING DING
My heart raced and my infidel senses tingled. I just knew the second they entered my humble abode they wrecked of scumbaggery. I just knew I smelt Jewish blood. Jews are in my fucking house. What the fuck. What are they after. What is their mission. Watch their hands. The hands of Jews are devious and will in a split second delve into your back pocket without even a hint of you noticing. The Jew is a crafty piece of work I thought. I tried thinking of why they would want in my house. Well ever since 9/11 my top most searches on google were along the lines of 'jewish conspiracy', 'dancing israelis', 'all hail the PLO' and 'Jabba the Jew funny pictures'. Mother of Jesus the Jew these cunt rags want to plant bugs in my house. They see me as a threat and are using the whole 'art student' thing as a front.
Oh but fuck how do I get them out. How in hell do I tell my mum not to take stained Jew money. Well I was too confused and mentally paralysed to even think of what to do. And even If I had a plan it would be to no prevail. My mum was loving these paintings and looking to buy atleast five of the pieces of shit things. My eyes were on them the whole time. I must be extra vigilant and weary. What does a Jews think like. I must think like a Jew to understand the way of the Jew. Something clicked in my brain. There are bugs in the paintings. Oh dear. The transaction must not go ahead. It must be stopped. What am I to do? Go all Mission Impossible on their ass, tell them I'm an avid follower of the Aryan Brotherhood and their presence is not welcome.
Before I had time to even think the transation was complete. My mum's hands were tainted with Jew sweat and the tense atmosphere had subsided slightly when the Jews left with a few hundred pounds of my mum's hard earned money. Five pieces were bought that day. My mum was happy. I on the other hand had nearly died of shock and worry. For the next few days my mum contemplated where to put them. Within weeks one painting had gone up, in my parents bedroom. A black and white landscape of a moutain valley. It looked well, but inside there was a Jew bug, listening to every thing my mum and dad were saying.
That very day the Jews were in my house I went on the Internets and decided to do a bit of research, the smell of Jew still lingering in the air. Were there any other reports of these strange happenings? Whereabouts? Why? Sure enough with a few well guided searches on google I was clicking on links to read reports of the very same thing. Israeli art students going into US government buildings trying to sell pieces of art from China. It was really happening. And I was apart of it. There were also reports of art students near the location of the 'dancing Israelis' after the 9/11 attack. Type in google 'israeli art students' and you will find many links describing the exact same thing. Being the wild conspiracy nut at the time I was undoubtedly freaked out.
But a few years went by and my common sense prevailed. I started asking sensible questions. Now I'm a lot more mature. I don't hate America. Infact I respect America for what it is. I don't think Jews are smelly anymore. And I couldn't give two fucks about any conspiracies. We still have the paintings in the house. One of them in my parents bedroom, one in my sister's bedroom and the other three in my bedroom ontop of my cupboard collecting dust. Rarely do I think about them. Maybe the conspiracy is real. Maybe I should've ripped one of those paintings apart to see if there was a bug inside it. But you know what. I was more afraid of my mum slapping the back of my head than I was of any Jew face covertly listening to what we're talking about. That and I didn't want to be the nutcase to confirm or deny my mental retardedness at the time. But as I said maybe the conspiracies surrounding the Israeli art students are true. But at the end of the day all they're really going to hear is me fapping every night. One nil to Bobalou.