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Well, its just that.. sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Experience with the internet inevitably leads to two conclusions. First, that people are stupid. This should be obvious to anyone, even the stupid. Indeed, this is a good litmus test for stupidity. If someone claims they are not stupid, they are stupid. If someone claims they are stupid, they are correct. Therefore everyone is stupid. Second, that everyone on the internet is an asshole. For those of you who are saying right now, “I’m not an asshole!”, shut up asshole. The following is a brief summary of the 12 kinds of internet assholes.
It is important to realize that motivation plays a larger part in classification than does behavior. An asshole can exhibit the behavior of a type that differs from their real type. In fact, many types do not have unique behaviors.
I use harsh language. I use racist terms. If you’re offended by these things, go be an asshole somewhere else. I don’t want to hear from you. Just keep in mind, before you complain, that I am an equal-opportunity asshole. As such, I make sure my wetbacks are balanced out by my chinks and honkies.
Type I : Oblivious The oblivious asshole can display the behavior of any other kind of asshole, however, he does not realize he is an asshole. When confronted by his victims, he will often act innocent. This is not an act. It is, then, important to make this type of asshole aware of his behavior, so he may take control of his assholery and put it to some productive use. He usually has buck teeth and freckles.
Type II : Arrogant This asshole thinks he God’s great gift to man. He is the man, as it were. Heaven forbid this asshole attain power, for you will tremble under his mighty ban hammer. Anything that this asshole perceives as a threat to his superiority will be attacked. Under no conditions should this asshole be engaged in debates, he’ll bust a cap in your ass so fast you’ll think you’re back in the hood with all your hos.
Type III : Expert The expert read a book about something and now she thinks she knows everything there is to know about it. She is like a Nip on a banzai charge. So sure of herself, so terribly mistaken. These assholes should be mowed down. Or stabbed with their own bayonets.
Type IV : Sadistic The sadistic asshole only wants to hurt you. He derives pleasure from your pain. He is the master, you are his nigger bitch, and he hates you. Tear down his systematic government oppression. Stand up for your rights, and assassinate this fucker like Lincoln in a theater.
Type V : Amused This asshole often shows the behavior of other types of asshole. What is different about the amused asshole is that he is not an asshole to be mean or because of deep rooted psychological issues, such as a penis-size inferiority complex. He is an asshole because it’s funny. He likes to make other people laugh. If you’re his victim, don’t take it personally. He’ll probably end up liking you if you take it in stride. Sometimes, he’s the only one laughing. Throw him a pity chuckle now and then; he lives for it. But don’t let your guard down. If the amused asshole sees a chance, he will exploit it. He will turn on you in an instant, for the lulz.
Type VI : Pedantic The pedantic asshole does not care what you said, just that you said it wrong. They know the difference between there they’re and their, and they aint fraid to tell you how fucked up your English is, never mind the fact that they couldn’t have corrected you if they hadn’t known what you meant anyway. This asshole is best ignored, as they add nothing to a conversation. Except assholery.
Type VII : Literalist This asshole does not understand metaphor or abstraction or anything that makes life remotely fun. The deeper meanings of things are lost on this asshole, so don’t bother. Like a dirty Mexican, she’ll just say “Que?” every time you try and make a philosophical point. She does not engage in hypotheticals nor does she read Tolkien. Cause, like, elves aren’t real.
Type VIII : Apathetic The apathetic asshole just doesn’t give a shit, so why should I give any of my shit about them?
Type IX : Emo Waa waa waa. You’ve heard the emo asshole. They have problems, and they want your help, and no one has ever been dumped / had a cat die / been fucked by their father before, so wouldn’t you just shutup and pay attention to her, your brilliant solution to world hunger can wait. This asshole needs to go cry in a corner. They are usually teenage girls who wear too much makeup. And no one cares what teenage girls think until they turn 18, and then only if they’re thinking about my penis.
Type X : British The British asshole is not necessarily British. British is just a handy label because British people happen to be particularly adept at their brand of assholery. The British asshole is a patriot to his core. Every country sucks but his, his society is the pinnacle of human achievement. The British asshole thinks French people smell and calls all Americans burger boys. Remember, Patriotism is the idea that your country is better because you were born in it. It’s not. It’s actually worse.
Type XI : Victim Assault the victim at your own risk. He takes everything personally, and he’s probably friends with the admins. You could be having a normal discussion about midgets in clown makeup and he’ll barge in and tell you how awful you are because his mother was raped by a diseased midget and turned into a clown. How the fuck was I supposed to know that? Fuck you, now I’m going to pick on you even more because I know it’ll make you cry.
Type XII : Racist The racist asshole is the worst kind of racist there is. This is not the kind of racist that goes to KKK meetings. This sort of racist silently accepts stereotypes. This is the suburban honkie kid who goes around flashing gang signs and saying Yo, or the Latino who waves Mexican flags while stealing jobs from Americans. This asshole thinks all the Nips look like Sulu. There’s not much you can do about this type of asshole except kick their ass. So get to it.
[quote user="ConeOfSilence"] good to see I am wearing a suit, as the TAN pimp I got to look my best. [/quote] You're gonna need it...I had no idea this was a corporation inside of a corporation. Go figure.
I'll be in London this coming Thursday. I'll give you a call.